Tag Archives: pharmaceutical

Deus ex Helicoptera

“Uh oh,” said Rupert as he gazed across the patio of his Malibu estate towards the ocean.  “Looks like we’re in for another rash of helicopters on our rooftops.”

“Helicopters, dear?” Maybelle looked up from the poker game playing out on her ComputTablet.  “Not that irate ex-boyfriend of Vivian’s again, is it?”

Rupert shivered.  “Could be.  He’s evil enough, he might be the masterminding culprit.”

Maybelle sat up sharply.  “Masterminding?  What happened?”

Rupert lifted his SmarterNUphone.  “I just got a report that they hit our warehouse last night. This would send me through the roof, but the thieves already did that.  Over $80 million worth of our drugs stolen.”

Maybelle gasped “Eighty million?  Oh, Rupert, are we ruined?”

Rupert smiled.  “Actually, it might help.  They stole all our CantaDaptive has been approved in seventy countries already, including in Europe, but not FDA approved.  A clinical trial just found it failed to reduce major vascular events.  So the FDA and the European Medicine Agency recommended we pull it off the market.”

“How did it ever get approved in those 70 countries?”

“Never mind!” Rupert said.  “Anyway.  So now it’s effectively pulled for us and we get the insurance money.  It’s like a mix of Merck and Eli Lilly.”

“Lilly?  Wasn’t that a theft done by a gang of Cubans?”

“Yes, but how did they get their information?” Rupert asked.  “It may be connected with the report from FQNA-DT Security.  If data got leaked, they are now FQNA-BooBoo Security.”

Maybelle’s tablet pinged, and she bent her head to read an incoming message.  “I see bank robberies in the San Gabriel Valley are from rooftop break-ins.  Do you think they’re related?”

“Yes, it must be,” Rupert said.  “Our warehouse is out there.  Maybe the banks were a way of practicing after the Cuban gang was picked up.  And I think the tubas were practice before that.”

“Tubas?” Maybelle looked bewildered.  “What do tubas have to do with drugs?”

“Security!”  Rupert waggled a finger.  “Remember that rash of tuba thefts from LA area high schools some time ago?  Training runs.  All of these required sophisticated knowledge of security systems.  Surveillance by helicopter might help.  And swatting the cops away.”

“Swatting?”  Maybelle looked angrily at Rupert.  “I know you want to appear witty and in the know.  But swatting cops?”

“It’s a quaint local custom of calling 911 to say some horrible crime is happening at some celebrity’s mansion.  All the SWAT teams rush off to rescue the would-be victim.  It’s been a prank, but how long until a real crime is planned at the same time?”

“Like your warehouse.  What celebrities live near the warehouse?”

“El Monte?”  Rupert pounded his temples with his fists.  “Think, Rupert!  Who lives in-”  He looked up with a gasp.  “Vivian.”

Suddenly, policemen boiled over the compound fence from all directions.  A voice pierced the warm afternoon breeze.  “Halt!  Are you the Madashecks?  Are you alright?”  They heard the faint thrum of an approaching helicopter.

Funding Gets a Kick in the Pants

Rupert gets a call from crack(ed) fundraiser Frida de Thirteenth, who has a great idea.  “Surely you have heard of Kickstarter?” she says.  “Cappuccino Pharmaceuticals can raise money for drug development and clinical trials.”

“But Kickstarter is where people donate, not invest,” Rupert says.  “It’s enough to start up and do some limited project.  Who would just give us millions of dollars for a clinical trial?”

“Frida understands your confusion,” says Frida.  “That’s why KickPantser exists.”

“Ki – What kind of name is KickPantser?”

“KickPantser is to sustain an ongoing concern through gifts,” Frida says.  Cappuccino must donate millions to a central funding organization.  They in turn give grants for development and clinical trials.  To Cappuccino.”

“Hmmm…” Rupert ponders the idea.