Tag Archives: geriatric

Rupert Contemplates His Mortality

“I’m worried about my mortality,” Rupert Madasheck said with a moan.  He looked down at his feet.  “Ever since the biotech world started banging on our door about that penis size study, [1] I can’t tell if it’s the beginning or the end.”

“Well, Cappuccino Pharmaceuticals is part of PNAS Productions after the reverse merger,” George Contenumbaes pointed out. [2]  “It’s only natural some reporters would call us instead of PNAS the science journal.”

Rupert held his phone over his arm for a second, then held it over his cheek.  Betty tapped her pen on the conference table and asked, “Rupert, what are you doing now?  If you are cracking up, then we need to start searching for a new CEO.”

Rupert put his phone down and said, “I’m checking for skin cancer.  I don’t want to be surprised as I get older.”

Betty looked at George and raised her eyebrows.  George said, “It’s called teledermatology.  An app will analyze skin lesions and figure out if any are cancerous.”

Betty swiveled to face a new face in the room.  “You must be Mantissa Polatis, our newest VP of Research.  What do you know about this?”

Mantissa turned white as a sheet.  “I…that is…those don’t work very well.  But the phone is always right there in your hand, so no one can resist checking.”

Betty narrowed her eyes.  “Why are you so pale? Are you afraid of saying something wrong?”

Mantissa began to shiver.  “Well, yes, I’m the third VP of Research this month and…”  She ceased talking and eyed the door.

Betty rolled back in her chair and laughed.  “It’s not as if we dumped people in the street every day.  We are not like Mylan, you know.”

“Or like Alkermes,” Rupert said.

“Or Bistol-Myers Squibb,” George said.  “Or Unigene, come to think of it.  Or maybe Merck.”

“It’s OK, Mantissa, you can tell them.  Or maybe I should,” Rupert said.  He turned to address the Board of Directors.  “I asked Dr. Polatis to the Board meeting to tell us what’s the latest buzz.  So to speak.”

“There was a study on the health benefits of a vibrating platform for geriatric patients,” Mantissa said. [3]  “Dr. Madasheck wanted to know if we should have a platform installed in the company’s fitness room.”

“Doctor?” Betty asked.  “If Rupert is a doctor, then I’m the Queen of Mars.”

“Fitness room?” George asked.  “We have a fitness room?”

“It seems the best solution is to replace office chairs with vibrating seats,” Mantissa said.  “The study was inconclusive, no one in the entire company uses the fitness room, and Dr. – Mr. Madasheck said he’d rather have a vibrating seat.”

Betty stared at Rupert with narrow slitted eyes.  “Oh really?  And seat strong enough for two?”

Rupert’s eyebrows went up in a picture of innocence.  “Well, I can’t be the only one here trying to stay as young as I can for as long as I can.”